Just before christmas, I wrote a post explaining why I had been away so long, and promised to be back later in the week. well… as you can see from my lack of blog postings that promise went unkept.
However, since that blog post, my life seems to have taken a downward spiral. My partner got diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I got diagnosed with anxiety and in that moment the world seemed to come to a standstill. we spent our days talking about the depression and what it meant for him, me, us, the kids. and life seemed to move on around us. we were trapped in this world of antidepressants “how are you feeling today?” and endless naps in bed for him.
We then had a chat about two weeks and decided that we should put our relationship on a pause. We are not breaking up, but we are not together. I’m not sure it makes sense to anybody else out there but it makes sense for us, and I will try to explain a little bit. Basically depression has robbed my partner of any emotional ability to show his feelings, sometimes he wants a hug and other times he can’t bear to be touched. Sex is none existant and the usual kisses goodbye have faded from everytime one of us goes out to every once in a while. My support of him, and my love for him hasn’t changed. But I still want all those things that a relationship are supposed to be about and he can’t handle it. So at the moment we are in a kind of limbo, our living arrangements havent changed but the entire dynamic of our relationship has.
I hope that description helps but a little!
Then the day after we had that discussion and came to an arrangement that suits us while we battle the depression together, we had a massive car crash. I’m talking airbags going off, smoke filling the car (we now know that was the airbag smoke, but not at the time) my headlight being thrown accross a major A road and consequently being swept away by firecrew. The roll bar (thank god we had one) was bent, the bodywork supporting the windscreen was bent and the windscreen itself was smashed.
We have been told by not only our families but our neighbours who saw my poor car the same afternoon being brought back in a sorry state by the AA, how lucky we were to be alive looking at the damage to the car.
Except we knew that already. Except not only has my partners depression took a new downward spiral because of it, but so has my anxiety. I can’t get in the car now without a chaperone, someone to mentally hold my hand and keep me calm. I’m on high alert from the minute I put that seatbelt on to the minute I take it off, I have major panic attacks whenever a car approaches a junction from a B road to an A road. I have major panic attacks in car parks when someone reverses their car towards mine. I had a major panic attack because I had stopped at a red traffic light on a hill and taken the car out of gear, put the handbrake on and left the clutch on, when the light turned green, I took the handbrake off, pulled my foot off the clutch and the car started rolling down the hill. My mind went numb and I couldn’t figure what I had done wrong. I kept trying but with the car out of gear it was only going to go backwards. I wanted to ditch the hire car and bolt accross the 40mph dual carriageway because I needed to get out, no regard for my own safety in terms of being runover. I just knew I couldn’t cope with the car. Luckily, my partner who insisted on coming with me noticed it wasn’t in gear and gently told me what the problem was, and I sorted it. Two weeks later, I won’t take the car out of gear when I stop at traffic lights.
The car isn’t the only problem. if my letterbox bangs when I am not expecting it to, I jump and panic. That’s not normal. I also know it sounds to me exactly like impact bang. I also know this sounds completely irrational and stupid, but it is not something I can control.
We are still in liason with the insurance company, unaware if my car can be fixed or whether it is a write-off. Like I said, Depression, anxiety and car crash means we are in a constant state of limbo.
So those are my reasons for not keeping up with this blog. I am changing the topic of this blog from general stuff, to be more along the lines of living with anxiety and living with someone who has depression. Whether that gains me or looses me any readers only time wil tell. But all I know is that I am the kind of person who can only get her head around things when they are written down. So this, for me is a kind of coping mechanism to deal with all the poo that is currently going on in our lives. And maybe, if I’m very very lucky I may come accross someone else who is in my position.